I bit my tongue while waiting for yours to move and say it. I wanted to hear those words from your mouth. I wanted to hear you don’t need me in your life anymore…
– But you never did. So I kept on sitting there hoping everything will change to good for my good one day. For this long I had held on because I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t find a reason to move on. Because you never said I am unwanted. You made me feel like I am unwanted. This created a war between my heart and my mind. My mind could foresee what was coming but my heart was always soft for you. No matter what you did, I always let you come back. And you always found me there, standing exactly like last time. I couldn’t move myself. No matter what I knew, no matter what I actually wanted, no matter how much strong I wanted myself to become, I couldn’t take a step back and always found myself there for you. I don’t know what kept me still, what stopped me from turning my back on you.
Maybe it was the light of hope in me that never went out. I thought one day you’d understand me and my reasons. And you’ll tell me you miss me. I knew if I asked my Lord everything could change. But I was afraid of iteration of everything that hurt me in the first place. I was afraid that I’d have to go through all that hurt again. It had already cost me so much that I was not ready for more risks and more damage. I didn’t use to ask myself what I wanted. I thought that was not important. But it was. It mattered what I wanted.
I was afraid of you. For the first time in my life I was afraid of you. I couldn’t help it because I’ve gone through about what you know nothing. So when I say I was afraid of you, know that I mean it. Know that I was afraid that you’ll drag me through hell and heaven again. And I knew I will overlook hell for heaven again and again so I taught my heart that If you can charge me guilty and break me once, you can break me twice. You can repeat my history on me again. And once is enough for me please. I know how I’ve kept myself sane for months and I am ready to do it for years. Because only I can come to my aid at any hour of the day when the tears find a way from my heart to eyes. I’ll cry but I’ll wipe it off my face. I’ll be there for myself because I gotta be here for myself. I need me. All the time. Now all my life, I need me. Now I want myself to step forward. For my own good –
…So I can set myself on fire and burst into flames for the last time. I wanted to be set free without any bars without any hindrances. Your love was the freedom, that’s what I thought. So wrong I was. It didn’t even bring freedom, it caused dilemma. I, for myself, had become complicated, perplexed creature. So this confused and mad creature was hoping you’d set her free. Because she knew freedom is what will bring her peace. That was all she craved.
Now, she wants to rest. After all these months of restlessness. All these nights thought to be affected by insomnia when it were actually thoughts of you which kept her up. All these days gone wasted because she couldn’t find the enthusiasm to do anything. She pleads her heart to surrender and bring her peace. Because if your tongue won’t move, her heart will have to do the honors.