These days are so hard on me. One minute I am falling apart. Overthinking. Feeling everything beyond my limits without any control. Losing myself. Not keeping my thoughts together. Getting my head spinning by different things and people. And the next minute I feel like I don’t need to care about anyone. This is all so mixed up. All my emotions are just taking over each other and I am here sitting like ‘how to really sort my life out?’ I already have too much on my plate that I am unable to focus on the beauty of this life my Lord has blessed me with. I don’t want to have any regrets but I don’t want no more pain to destroy my peace. I truly need to fix my own self. I should know how to keep myself going and not think about what I’ve lost. I try not to let my past drag me towards darkness and loneliness but I just can’t get a firm grip on myself, my mind, my heart. This is so hard for me. I don’t know what I truly want. I don’t wanna ask questions because I don’t need answers from my destruction. I need to be ready to provide myself shoulder at times because I know this path is not easy to walk on. To reach this path it has caused me great pain. I’ve got my heart broken. I’ve got bad grades. I’ve let my parents down. I’ve made my mother cry. I’ve argued with the loved ones. I’ve lost faith. I’ve lost my self-respect. I’ve lost some people I never thought of losing. I invested my time in wrong people. I looked for family in wrong people. I attached myself to negative people. I let wrong people take control of me and my life. I listened to wrong people. In the end I feel like life went through me. Now I see myself as flesh only. I’ve lost respect in my own eyes and I’ll work to earn it back. It’s gonna take me ages, it’s gonna cost me people, it’s gonna make me selfish to some people but that’s okay to me. I’ve gone through what they don’t even know about. So I know I need to mend my own self. Steady my own self. Make my self stronger without anyone’s help. Without their consent. I need to work on my peace. I need to cross this bridge across which I see peace, happiness and serenity smiling at me, on my own even if it means crossing it on my knees. I don’t need someone’s hand unless it’s my Lord’s. I know I only need to look up to Him and I will. I don’t need a particular human with me. The human race has created this chaos for me that I am stuck in and I let them. Because I let them create it, I am going to make them stop right here. Because that’s enough hell for me. I need Him who will end this chaos for me. I just need to raise my hands and ask Him to help me out. He’s just waiting for me to call upon Him. He’s there I know. He’s always been there when ‘humans’ weren’t. He was there when I got my heart broken, when I felt something heavy on my chest, when I cried because I had to live away from my parents, when I felt like something bad was gonna happen, when I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing and I had no idea why I was crying, when I felt like I’ve wasted my time on unnecessary people, when I saw something that crushed my heart, when I felt like I have sinned too much that He’ll never forgive me, when I felt like there are some certain things that I need to talk about to somebody. He was there. He’s there the minute my world falls apart. And He’s there when I think about letting go of the things that are causing me to fall. He’s nearer than my jugular vein, ain’t He? He loves me more than seventy mothers, doesn’t he? Then why does my world seems like falling apart when I have Him by my side? Maybe because I am not calling upon Him with all my heart or maybe I am strongly imprisoned in this dungeon by my own thoughts that I cannot master the key to get myself out of this with His help or maybe my faith is loosely hanging in the middle of somewhere. Maybe I need to get everything straight and focus on my relation with Him because only He can help me out of this deep dark pit I am falling in everyday.
I’ll get myself together one day In Sha Allah. May I see that day and may I live that day after these days of restlessness.